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About Bender

Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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I grab a ladder, and as I’m climbing, I’m thinking, “What am I doing with my life?” I mean, I went to school for this? Anyway, I finally reach Whiskers, and he just looks at me like, “Really? You came all the way up here for me?” I grab him, and he’s all chill, like he wasn’t just causing a scene. I hand him back to the lady, and she’s crying. I’m like, “It’s just a cat, lady!” But hey, whatever makes her happy, right?

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